I can´t help it. It´s a story that won´t stay in my head; a story of light and sound, night and silence. It´s at the turning of 22 to 23 that I start to realize I am going to fade into obscurity like the billons who have come before and may come after. It isn´t entirely unsettling; the thought of death alone is not a fear of mine. Somehow the thought rankles though. This complex of humanity is the desire for rememberance and it is one that never comes to its completion. We are all part of something that came before. Maybe it´s a god complex, maybe it´s just the desire to have contributed something of value to the world. Kindness is a step to go in the right direction but the best kindnesses are the ones that don´t receive recognition. That´s why they´re so great.

We´re doing alright down here. Another girl, Rebecca (Becks as I call her) are moving into an apartment in Zapopan near the downtown. It´s by far my favourite part of the city and I´m looking forward to the change very much. I´m just pleased to have an apartment to move to. The rest of it will follow. As for work I´ve had two interviews and I´ll be accepting one of the jobs - the catch is that I want the one that hasn´t gotten back to me yet. We´ll see. I have a suspicious feeling I´m going to end up in a place that isn´t entirely comfortable.

This is life - one step, day by day you wake up and open your eyes. And really... could it be any other way?
I don´t fear my future - I don´t fear my past. My present is a stable place. I have no problems and maybe that´s the problem. It´s all aesthetics, that´s all. I haven´t been stressed at all. I´m coasting along in life. It´s artificial strife that is invested in my life as an occupier of free time.

And I´m graduating among the top of my class, .1% away from the highest. Graduation is tomorrow.

Saturday, Bloody, Fucking Saturday

I´m at school, getting ready to teach. Actually I`m dicking around until it`s time to teach. I have absolutely no interest in being here today. The system has fucked everyone over at least once. I want my own class - I can`t wait for next week.

Looks like I`ve gotten a position almost for sure, still in Guadalajara. I couldn´t figure out any other way of getting all my things across the country. I`ve collected a great deal since I`ve been here. I`ll be moving to a better part of the city, with another girl from my course. It should work out much better. Downtown is entirely reachable and it is likely I`ll have to be there 6 of 7 days.
My schedule is going to be fucked up but I`ll be able to save somemoney likely, and pay off my student debts some.

I`m having a morose day again. It might be the fact that I have no desire to teach right now. I`ll feel much better once I get in the class. I always do. Until then I`m just going to suffer with myself.

There is so much to say and I have`t come up with a way to say it.
I miss Jenn and the kitties.
I miss Tim Hortens.
I miss English.
Someday it`s all going to make sense.

One more time

So things have been progressing steadily. I´ve begun teaching now and have taught five out of ten observed classes. I was getting 9/10 for the first three, showing no progress, so I think I´ve finally gotten into the swing of things and am now getting 10s. Only one way to go though. All the assignments I´ve handed in are also 10s. The problem is I´m bored as fuck. It´s very tedious and tiem consuming to waste time instead of doing a tast. I can absorb so much more than they´re giving us. I tend to get things done early as well, which is a major advantage. I{m particularly less stressed than everyone else. Plus the people doing the schedules seem to like me as I´m not getting shafted like some other members of the class.

As for personal, I´m meshing well with the rest of the class. All the previous has now departed but I´m looking forward to a friend coming back to live. She´s got a house with a spare room. It´s going to be a second home. And I´m going to get to watch TV. Monday isn´t far away at all it seems. Unsurprisingly things just move forward as they ought to.

In three days I will have been in Mexico for a whole month. You will be happy to know they have drum circle here. I was less than thrilled but misery loves company right? I have officially completed my week long Spanish course and I start the TEFL course on Monday. Talking to the people who have gone through it is both reassuring and terrifying but if I could graduate university I can do this.... although they say it´s more intense I don´t think they could understand how much I got away with ahahahah

I have a new friend, Luis. He´s pretty laid back but he´s very Mexican, sort of reminiscent of the Mexicans I´ve met. He picked me up with a michelada (alcoholic beverage of beer and clamato, surprisingly good) in one hand. We went to the rusty trumpet... no publicity kind of place, you knock on the door and they let you in after peering at you from a peep hole. We drove drunk. All in all the night ended fabulously although the hangover into today was a brutal, gut-wrenching hell ride. I got dropped off in the morning at like 10:30 and I was in brutal shape. It took me all day to recover - I kept getting better and worse, I was bad, ate breakfast, was better, took a nap, was worse, and so on and so forth. I´m not drinking tonight. There is no way. In the last week I have drank so damn much almost every day. Last night it was over one and a half large bottles of rum between four people, add some whiskey near the end.

A couple of nights ago we went out and it was me and another girl, Amy blonde, that went to town on a fucking bottle of tequila. I yelled so many bad spanish words at people. Mostly I just ignored them before. This was much more fun. I also peed in a construction site at the side of the road. I finally did laundry so I had a dress, but nevertheless some things are wonderfully consistant. We were also offered a free taxi ride home. We didn´t take it ahahah

I have a warrior dream - I´m not fierce, I´m just not. Everyone needs dreams though.

People are leaving now - it´s getting kind of sad.

I´ve met some French people here, from France, and I think I´ve fallen in love ahahahah not in a romantic way with a person but grander.... they have a way of looking at things, I feel almost adopted as a comrade. They are interesting and interested, two guys and two girls. They´re sharing their dinner with me tonight. I love food hahaha

Finally got around to getting margerine. Had two grilled cheese sandwhiches.

I´ve discovered the fear of the blog and who can read what... maybe it´s not all it´s cracked up to be. Some things are too illicit.