Got hot water - broke the pipes. Back to no hot water.
Payday today. Didn´t get paid and won´t until next Tuesday at the earliest.

I love having no money and living in Mexico. I spared myself about five minutes during which I cried like a little girl and then gave up.

I just want to go to bed.

Another and another life

So much has changed and much remains the same in the last little while.
I´ve moved into a new apartment now - we´re entirely settled except for a hot water heater that has refused to work properly, making cold showers a daily (lol every second day for me) norm. We´re hoping to get it fixed tonight actually. We had a leakage problem from the torrential downpours that plague this city in the rainy season, our livingroom looked like outside in a manner of speaking - much closer to the water that flows as high as the curb down the street. There are pictures of course, which I haven´t been able to upload. That problem seems to have been resolved and rainy season is coming to it´s conclusion.
The mosquitoes are ferocious however and I´ve been more bitten than I care to think about it. Now my legs are a mash of bruises and bites - not that I let them show too often because people in shorts are not common here.

My life has become a sort of domestic dream for the poor. I handwash clothes everyday the sun comes up - I shop at the market or take the long treck down to Walmart to get things like chedder cheese (hard to find in a country that likes its cheese like it likes its women: white). I still don´t have any dishes so I have an intent on purchasing more today.

Two days ago a hippy road by on a bike and offered me an orange. I´m so used to things costing that I was slightly unwilling to take it. His broken English managed to explain that it was a very special orange - a ceremonial orange. It brings people together. There were drums involved somehow. I´m hoping it´s full of lsd or something ahahah naw... I´m still trying to decide if I want to eat it. I´m not big into oranges. Too pulpy.

We´ve seen lots of interesting things in our new neighbourhood. There is a lot of construction right now and two main markets which aren´t terribly far from the house. The house has pink faux-suede curtains and sofas. A full description could not match what it looks like. But it´s ours.

My job is alright. So far I don´t have very many hours, which means this first month is going to be pretty challanging for me. I teach business english on-site, which means away from the school. And sometimes its FAR away from my house, but at most an hour on a bus. For example I work at Siemens private tutoring an uppermanagment gentleman who was put into the wrong level and doesn´t have much of an interest in formal class. It´s actually pleasant and the pay is good. I do need more hours drastically though - I´m just hoping to wait until after my birthday to get them. Mexican independance is coming very shortly anyways so there´s a bit of vacation around my birthday anyways.

Well, time is running out. I´m planning my next tattoo at this point as three hours costed a friend about $130 which is awesome for the job the guy did. It was gorgeous.

We´re looking into getting a phone line in the house soon so I hope to talk to you all and I get two weeks at Christmas, over one of which will be spent in Toronto.

Looking foward to it.

I can´t help it. It´s a story that won´t stay in my head; a story of light and sound, night and silence. It´s at the turning of 22 to 23 that I start to realize I am going to fade into obscurity like the billons who have come before and may come after. It isn´t entirely unsettling; the thought of death alone is not a fear of mine. Somehow the thought rankles though. This complex of humanity is the desire for rememberance and it is one that never comes to its completion. We are all part of something that came before. Maybe it´s a god complex, maybe it´s just the desire to have contributed something of value to the world. Kindness is a step to go in the right direction but the best kindnesses are the ones that don´t receive recognition. That´s why they´re so great.

We´re doing alright down here. Another girl, Rebecca (Becks as I call her) are moving into an apartment in Zapopan near the downtown. It´s by far my favourite part of the city and I´m looking forward to the change very much. I´m just pleased to have an apartment to move to. The rest of it will follow. As for work I´ve had two interviews and I´ll be accepting one of the jobs - the catch is that I want the one that hasn´t gotten back to me yet. We´ll see. I have a suspicious feeling I´m going to end up in a place that isn´t entirely comfortable.

This is life - one step, day by day you wake up and open your eyes. And really... could it be any other way?
I don´t fear my future - I don´t fear my past. My present is a stable place. I have no problems and maybe that´s the problem. It´s all aesthetics, that´s all. I haven´t been stressed at all. I´m coasting along in life. It´s artificial strife that is invested in my life as an occupier of free time.

And I´m graduating among the top of my class, .1% away from the highest. Graduation is tomorrow.

Saturday, Bloody, Fucking Saturday

I´m at school, getting ready to teach. Actually I`m dicking around until it`s time to teach. I have absolutely no interest in being here today. The system has fucked everyone over at least once. I want my own class - I can`t wait for next week.

Looks like I`ve gotten a position almost for sure, still in Guadalajara. I couldn´t figure out any other way of getting all my things across the country. I`ve collected a great deal since I`ve been here. I`ll be moving to a better part of the city, with another girl from my course. It should work out much better. Downtown is entirely reachable and it is likely I`ll have to be there 6 of 7 days.
My schedule is going to be fucked up but I`ll be able to save somemoney likely, and pay off my student debts some.

I`m having a morose day again. It might be the fact that I have no desire to teach right now. I`ll feel much better once I get in the class. I always do. Until then I`m just going to suffer with myself.

There is so much to say and I have`t come up with a way to say it.
I miss Jenn and the kitties.
I miss Tim Hortens.
I miss English.
Someday it`s all going to make sense.

One more time

So things have been progressing steadily. I´ve begun teaching now and have taught five out of ten observed classes. I was getting 9/10 for the first three, showing no progress, so I think I´ve finally gotten into the swing of things and am now getting 10s. Only one way to go though. All the assignments I´ve handed in are also 10s. The problem is I´m bored as fuck. It´s very tedious and tiem consuming to waste time instead of doing a tast. I can absorb so much more than they´re giving us. I tend to get things done early as well, which is a major advantage. I{m particularly less stressed than everyone else. Plus the people doing the schedules seem to like me as I´m not getting shafted like some other members of the class.

As for personal, I´m meshing well with the rest of the class. All the previous has now departed but I´m looking forward to a friend coming back to live. She´s got a house with a spare room. It´s going to be a second home. And I´m going to get to watch TV. Monday isn´t far away at all it seems. Unsurprisingly things just move forward as they ought to.

In three days I will have been in Mexico for a whole month. You will be happy to know they have drum circle here. I was less than thrilled but misery loves company right? I have officially completed my week long Spanish course and I start the TEFL course on Monday. Talking to the people who have gone through it is both reassuring and terrifying but if I could graduate university I can do this.... although they say it´s more intense I don´t think they could understand how much I got away with ahahahah

I have a new friend, Luis. He´s pretty laid back but he´s very Mexican, sort of reminiscent of the Mexicans I´ve met. He picked me up with a michelada (alcoholic beverage of beer and clamato, surprisingly good) in one hand. We went to the rusty trumpet... no publicity kind of place, you knock on the door and they let you in after peering at you from a peep hole. We drove drunk. All in all the night ended fabulously although the hangover into today was a brutal, gut-wrenching hell ride. I got dropped off in the morning at like 10:30 and I was in brutal shape. It took me all day to recover - I kept getting better and worse, I was bad, ate breakfast, was better, took a nap, was worse, and so on and so forth. I´m not drinking tonight. There is no way. In the last week I have drank so damn much almost every day. Last night it was over one and a half large bottles of rum between four people, add some whiskey near the end.

A couple of nights ago we went out and it was me and another girl, Amy blonde, that went to town on a fucking bottle of tequila. I yelled so many bad spanish words at people. Mostly I just ignored them before. This was much more fun. I also peed in a construction site at the side of the road. I finally did laundry so I had a dress, but nevertheless some things are wonderfully consistant. We were also offered a free taxi ride home. We didn´t take it ahahah

I have a warrior dream - I´m not fierce, I´m just not. Everyone needs dreams though.

People are leaving now - it´s getting kind of sad.

I´ve met some French people here, from France, and I think I´ve fallen in love ahahahah not in a romantic way with a person but grander.... they have a way of looking at things, I feel almost adopted as a comrade. They are interesting and interested, two guys and two girls. They´re sharing their dinner with me tonight. I love food hahaha

Finally got around to getting margerine. Had two grilled cheese sandwhiches.

I´ve discovered the fear of the blog and who can read what... maybe it´s not all it´s cracked up to be. Some things are too illicit.

And I was doing so well :P

Alrighty - so I'm downtown living the life... sort of... ahahahah It went well, the move that is. I had a taxi driver with a pronounced twitch. At first I thought he was just dancing ahahah boy did merging traffic really dispel that notion. Once I got downtown though (finding a taxi on sunday was hard enough in Zapopan) I get put in the posada in a three bed room with two mexican aesthetician students who don't speak english and had been living there for over a year. They were resentful of my presence. This has been a continual problem. One month, I keep telling myself, but unfortunately one month can be really long when you're locked out of your room and forced to knock to demand entrance. Last night I just slept in someone else's room that had a spare bed. He's a very sweet, 18 year old. Four years older and he's be in some kind of trouble. Anyways, he plays guitar and I made him play and sing for me last night before bed ahahah awesome, but depressing... the beautiful songs are always achy somehow.

Anyways, most of the friends I've made are pulling out of the posada in the next week... many were here at IMAC (spanish and english teaching school) and some were ITTO (and then there's some frenchies and aesticians ahahah) so they got jobs or are going home. Either way all my new friends are leaving, contributing at least slightly to the problem.

I'm going to ask to switch rooms to a room that has english speakers and whatnot. These fucking girls are cunts and are ruining my life.

I've begun my Spanish class and it's interesting. The evaluation meant I was put in close to the end of the first book so all the previous things I missed, so I'm building a castle on sand, which can be very frustrating. In any case... days pass and it's only for a week. It's bloody hot outside now and I need to buy groceries as I am a starving machine!! I haven't been able to find english muffins which is pissing me off... and as for moctazumas revenge? Not my problem. I need more fiber in my diet or something man ahahah instead of just meat and tortilla... which happen to taste great but are fucking up my digestive system.

And I was doing so well :P

So dumb....

Life is an emotional rollarcoaster as always. I´m now actively engaged in a bet over who will crack first, I´m not allowed to smoke ANYTHING and Tony isn´t allowed to smoke or drink. It´s for homemade dinner. I have no intention on caving. Not this time. I need to quit anyways. I do miss my rainbow though.... probably going to go home and take painkillers so I can sleep early ahahaha

I move downtown tomorrow; I remain optimistic and excited despite continuous warnings of danger. ¨Don´t let them see your afraid¨ 50 points to whomever can name the movie. It´s a pretty sweet reference if I do say so myself.

Finally changed the language of my blog... should be much easier for ALL involved right now ahah

Is it bad also that I maintain some cop fantasies? Still none over Toronto, but there are some damn cute cops here, and half are probably corrupt so I don´t have to worry about my illicit habits (which I´m cut off from right now anyways I suppose). Apparently it´s a misdeamenor for them to wave. lol I´m so damn trouble for them then ahahahaha Anyways, I´m feeling highly affectionate.

It´s kind of crazy what happens in all of life sometimes. It often takes til you´ve lost something to appriciate that you had it in the first place. Of course that´s the black and white sentence of a whole fucking paragraph of gray. I still don´t know what I´m doing... in Mexico or out of Mexico.

Love is a twisted fucking thing. It´too complicted. All I know is I´m tired of getting dropped off at home by myself. I love being by myself but there are those fucking lines somewhere and they are invisible. When I cross them of being I am crossing into the world beyond apathy, the one where every consideration becomes a quest for contact. I´m so far past not caring.

It will be good next week to have something to do. I´m tired of doing nothing at all. I sat beside the road with a carton of banana milk (awesome btw!!!) and some psuedochip crispy jalepeno and limon flavoured shit.

Here the lemons are green. I found it SOOOOO confusing ahahah I´m so dumb sometimes.

So a trip to the whhhhaaaaat?

Ok... a lot has happened and way more than I can remember. Between a slightly higher increase of spanish speaking ability I´m getting in gear for my move downtown. It´s on Sunday and I couldn´t be more thrilled to be living in a place that has bars ahahah Although I´ve begun to accumulate which is proving inconvient (more bags)

Last night I had an all-night dance party with myself... it was super awesome fab. Killer radiostation (bought a radio ahahah) but it cut off at 10. I also found the thing I missed a lot when I was in Puerto Vallarta, although the military checkpoints between there and here were sure a deterant on every considering that again.

The Vallarta was a hoot of laughs - good times for the vast majority and I got to go into the ocean for the first time. Fuck that shit is salty ahahah but SOOOOO much fun. I now want to live by the ocean. I also go to go dancing for the first time since getting into Mexico, such a good way to blow off steam. SOmetimes it just builds it up more.

I guess I have a lot of shit written down at home. I´m in a lab right now so I´m going to go for now and fill in gaps later

ciao homies

It´s going to be a Beautiful Life

Yesterday I spent almoist the entire afternoon at the pool. I work my way in slowly as it is hardly warm and by the time I was thigh-high I had company. A little boy on vacation raced out to join me and we had what amounted to close to an all-out brawl. I totally let him win sometimes until I was done. Didn´t speak a word of English. It was fun but tiring - by the time he had to go the little Texan boy watching out the window was allowed to come in the pool. Him and his sister and parents and grandparents swarmed in on me, but it was nice to speak english for a while.
Today the Mexcian boy wanted to join our game of football. Less fun. Less good aim ahaha I don´t run.

I´m going to Puetro Vallarta tomorrow. George is already there. I was supposed to take the bus with his friends, but it turns out I´m going to be on the bus on my own. lol I went through several phases at receiving this information - panic, hysteria, apathy, and finally calm acceptance. The last is by far the most comforting. We´re to stay for a week. I get a whole week on the ocean and I get to buy another swimsuit. I also found out I have enough clothes to last until I move into the posada on the 27th. So no Mexican laundry for me!! mwahahahaha after that there is included laundry service. Love!!!

I´ve had a really good past days as I´m getting more intune with the Mexican vibe. The bass is sure helping too - no amp, but damn is it a pretty little thing, although I miss how light William was.

Yesterday I went up to Edson´s ranch. It´s only two acres, but it was an awesome drive to see the scenery. There they have sheep. I acted like a total tourist, laking pictures - I´m sure the ranchers thought I´d never seen sheep before and lacking Spanish I could hardly explain the beef and sheep farm near Alton at which I spent a great deal of time. I was wearing my white shell-toe adidas and kaki pants, Edson should have probably warned me of the colour of the soil - bright orange-red. I would like to send a formal thanks to Adidas and Tide-to-Go for their durable and impressive leather and cleaning properties. I came out only slightly colourful. Edson, however, came out smelling rather pungently of sheep shit. Lunch was taken in a town called Tepa (for short). Apparently there was an influx of French people to the area. Although the language died out, a lighter skinned and occational blonde head and blue eye greeted me. I was less conspicuous, but I still stood out a bit.

I´m gearing up for my move downtown. I was finally able to locate the school on the map and my residence is about six blocks away, a 20 minute walk apparently, although I doubt it will take me that long given how fast I walk (ahahah Jenn- ´stop running!!!´). However, it is REALLLY far from where I am now and I´m anticipating a 200 peso cab ride, which is only 20 dollars, but by mexican standards, hardly inexpensive. I am so fucking glad to be moving downtown, where there is a night life. I refuse to be overly cautious, although I thourghly intend on being careful. No dying in Mexico right team? :P I´m even excited to have a roommate - afterall it took about 6 months before Elaine screwed me over - I´ve only got this person for one month.

Out of all the things in Canada I miss the most, I´d say there are three. Tim Hortens and Belmonts are two. Apparently George´s dad plans on opening the first Krispy Kreme in Mexico. I told George to work for a Tim Hortens ahahah

Apparently there is also a subway in Guadalajara (who knew!) of two lines. George says we may take them for fun one day, leading me to suspect that he never has before ahah

I wish it was easier to describe what the problems facing me are. They are between people, not over safety or fear. Can you know someone without knowing how to say what you want to say? How much can you learn from actions and languages that aaren´t spoke? Is a fear of truth really justified? How can you say to me you think I may not know you because you can´t say all you want to say? There is so much more than what you say - it´s how you look and how you smile. It´s how you look at me and how you expect nothing. It´s how you´re torn up you can´t spend more time with me and how you want to know everything even if you haveñ´t figured out how to ask. I know more than you think - maybe not the details, but then again I can hardly judge on the details. We´re all so very different and from such different worlds. Every step I take out brings me into a different world, from Alton to Toronto, Toronto to Mexico.

I wonder what I would sacrifice to stay on my plan - I wonder who I would break and how much I would break to do what I say I´m going to.

In any case, it´s going to be a beautiful life.

Semana dos

i´m feeling better. I mean I´m still completely fucked overall hahahah I think I just needed to spend more time at home with myself (oddly enough). I just can´t handle not having the ability of getting home when Ineed to.

I bought a bass today - sangrando corazon. Bleeding Heart is it´s name. It´s not acoustic, but it is impossible to find acoustic here. I´m just content to have one at all. Its a Yamaha - surp´rise surpise, blood red, with red strings. I´m very pleased however with my purchase.

I got to spend the day with George today - he took me downtown and to get lunch. I also stillg et to go to Puerto Vallarta on Wednesday, which I am exceedingly happy about.

OVerall, I´m in good shape and surviving. More later of course.

the first problem is never the last

I killed a cricket lastnight - and was very concerned it was Fred. It wasn´t. My lovely Fred is alive and well somewhere, somewhere in the depths of my bathroom. Fred is alive because Fred is non-threatening. he doesn´t try and get other places. He just sits somewhere and is my lovely Fred. Fred and the purple man are my only friends. Lies... all lies. But they´re the only ones who understand what I say.

I´ve decided to get blisteringly drunk for ever. Maybe it is a sad compensation technique, but it is the best I am capable of, thank you daddy.

I cried a lot this morning for my incapability of understanding. My biggest fear I suppose is of being replaced. It is perhaps not very reasonable - every role we fulfil is entirely fulfillable by other people. Maybe this fear is the reason I´ve always fallen for people who make me feel irreplaceable. Hte problem lies inthat thewy have that as a talent... they make everyone feel irreplaceable. In a way it could be comforting, but in reality for me it is not a comfortable thought. My biggest hate is then not understanding. I hate not understanding with a passion. All I want is to understand what people are saying and why people are. This is the hate that is bound never to be fully soothed, but it can at least be ignoed for a brief period of time through languzge.

How do you run when you don´t know how to walk? How do you know how to lie if you don´t know what truth is? How do you dream if you´ve never been awake?

i am homesick for being superfically understood at the very least. And tomorrow is a new day and nothing changes.

Miercoles

Fred is still alive!! I thought my cricket was eaten by the damn coackroach but it turns out to provide me with more continual comfort than a dog and at least it doesn´t slober. The coackroach, which I presumed dead or retreated, turned up alive and well in my shower. It later drowned in a tragic accident - it attempted to attack my feet while I was washing my hair but lacked the ability to swim.

Last night I found out that a white wine flavoured thing of 4% is not enough to get me drunk and able to pass out. It is muy tragic. I would have loved to have gone to sleep early - it might have made it easier to get up early this morning. Instead I´m resigned to sleep until 10 and spend the night awake and wondering why I can´t sleep. The night is always my worst time to be awake.

I finished the Tom Robbins book, Skinny Legs and All and I highly recommend it. It was a profound view of politics, religion, and the place and role of individuals in changing the world. I also continued to read Amusing Ourselves to Death by Neil Postman - a commentary from the 80s on how the episomologilly of America is changing to one of entertainment, instead of from a literate and rational one. It contains things that are still highly relevant to our society.

My Spanish is a slow process of learning. I am NOT a audio learner - my memory is not very good so I require a lot of repition, which unfortunately is very hard for the mecians to understand. I must remember to ask my teachers if I should take into account the different methods of learning and seperate the tasks of teaching to spoken and written. I couldn´t stop thinking about it. The Spanish is the only thing I´m stressed about. Eventually I´m going to suffer the reality of not being coddled. It´s started already, but I have now been trying.

Also, apparenlty acoustic basses are not common in Mexico, so I might have to resort to purchasing an electric. At this point it might be wisest to attempt to find one that is second hand. I have yet to figure out how to progress. It is very hard for me to make it downtown - which is where all the music stores are to be found. I may end up taking a taxi - but I fear the attempt to explain that I don´t want to go anywhere downtown, just that yo quiero ir al centro.

It´s almost the weekend. Soon George will be not working. I´m very excited about the possibility of getting to Puetro Vallarta. Yesterday I started cleaning the office and the boys felt guilty so they helped - it´s much better looking - good space and washed floors. I´m very pleased.

It has also rained almost every day since I said it rained at night only. The streets were flooded yesterday around my place - cars swam, unlike the coakroach not drowning, but looking an awful lot like they were going.

This is a city for Andy for sure - everyone drives around in beatles.
I´m studying God and religion in the meantime. I´ve had many insights, none of which I have time to expound upon as I´m on an office computer and one cannot take control of a workspace forvever.

This morning I saw my first Mexican cockroach. It flies. Dear lord... it flies. Once I figured out it was a cockroach I was less concerned for myself - at least it´s not poisonous, just creepy ahahah

Days have begun to blur into days - time has always passed slowly when unemployed. Now I´m unemployed and far away from the downtown, not to mention the continually bad Spanish skills. Edson and George called me on it today - they´re right. I really haven´t been trying; a huge mistake. I shouldnt let being shy or embarassed potentially cripple me from learning. It´s dumb and from A Cinderalla Story, but it sticks with me still; "Never let fear of losing keep you from playing the game."

Edson lent me his miniDVD thing last night so I stayed up late watching movies - something with Keifer Sutherland in it about Godan, who I learned about in school last year, The Butterfly Effect (weird, but interesting) and something Mexican called Como Agua Para Chocolate, which happened to have an even more bizarre ending than The Butterfly Effect. In any case, these plus Skinny Legs and All, the Tim(om) Robbins book I´ve been reading have been inspiring a sense of art which I´m deeming futile and usless for my cause of relaxation.

I wish I could say I was keeping busy, but it would be a lie :P
I did buy a football though, so Edson and me played in the parking lot in between rainshowers. It turns out it rains during the day a lot too :P curses on the rainy season, although everything is a wonderful vibrant shade of green.

For the last few days I was convinced that i wasn´t receiving any more attention than I would in Toronto - then yesterday I went outside without my headphones. Today it was the hat. The serentity of the headphones is unsurpassed thus far - the ability to ignore my surrounding may result in me getting runover, but overall I remain hopeful of not dying in Mexico.

and I can{t find sugar - azucar. It´s driving me nuts!!! They´re hiding it somewhere - I know it!

Til next time, hablamas despues

Numero Uno

So - my Mexican adventure has begun.

The flight was long, but not as long as some. I made a friend or two along the way I suppose. I prepared for my flight the previous day by waxing myself, as I ran out of time in Toronto to have it done for me. Know what´s not pretty? My vibrator has also made it through customs and my bags were not tampered with.

I settled into my new place (which I adore) late the first day.
After arriving (and getting picked up late at the airport - fucking Mexicans :p) I was taken to get burritos, delish Mexican burritos. We met up with others and began drinking, although the driver remained sobre with was nice this time. Geroge was working til late that night so Edson took me to lake Chapala, which was 200 kinds of awesome - except my belly reacted negatively to the bubbly alochol and I got a tummy ache, which eventually receeded into a slight exhaustion from having gotten so little sleep I could not think.

So it´s rainy season, but it only rains at night mostly - it{s ushered in by a swift, tearing wind that fades to fat drops of rain and the sky which isn´t ever black but has fire and an abstract reddish glow.

I know I´m in Mexico because the dorrs and windows don´t seal properly and the keyboards have a ñ key, making it increadibly hard tot ypes when all the letters are out of place. Also, the eggs I bought had refuse on the shell. Even though I do not eat the shell I still had to wash before I boiled.

George picked up a cell for me, so I have a number now, not that anyone will call me. I have no radio at the moment so I´m suffering silence like a trooper.

The people below me last night were either on one hell of a peyote trip or fighting or fucking, there was copious amounts of the word ´fuck´echoing up through my floor. Moans punctuated the night long into with more finality than grammer.

Anyways - the journey continues.

Bye homeslices - Hopefully I´ll be able to upload pictures soon